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Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The moment I saw you. I knew it’d be the closest I’d get to being … close. I didn’t know what to do with that feeling. Happiness. But they know now, and they’re hungry. Really fucking hungry! Because, for as long as I know they’ve been chasing me. Now they’re ready, now they’re strong enough to break through. And I can’t fight them. I used to be able to when I was strong but … you’ve made me weak, and now I can’t, I can’t! - Effy Stonem. Two days. 21st and 22nd. It's funny how I can still remember. In fact, it is still embedded in my head you know... Those memories. They're not exactly the best ones to have in your head because they're the ones causing everything to be messed up. And the funny thing is, I'm trying to move on. Despite me trying, I just can't start. I don't know how to. My life's already too complicated. The clique doesn't know who and who anymore. And I just can't explain how I feel. My mind's a mess. My heart's gone. Fuck this. I'd much rather be a pebble.
Friday, June 18, 2010
 How do I tell you things aren't okay? It's like I've built up another wall just to push people away. Here I am complaining about being alone, and there I am pushing people away. Ironic isn't it? TGIF. Finally. The first week of term 2 really sucked my energy. The company was great and please be proud of me because I managed a full week of attendance although I am improving on my late-coming. Wore jeans for the entire week. (: These few days, it seems like everybody around me is feeling it. It's agonizing isn't it? Cheer up kay Steph, Fyna? Ironic that it's coming from me but things will get better soon. I promise.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Keep your eyes focused this time
 Today I feel fake. The smile seems forced but I've gotten so used to pretending that I'm okay that somehow it hurts. Nothing seems real anymore. The numbness has gone away again and now I'm left feeling the sore bittersweet pain. Another dose of painkillers would perhaps be nice to ease my soul a bit more because nightmares have started haunting me once again. It still feels like yesterday and nothing can change it. I just don't know. Oh I wish you were here. Oh but darling you were the one who pushed me out of place. Now I'm nothing but a disgrace. And since my wings have been clipped off and I'm nothing but an old beat-up doll, I've tried. But somehow, I keep going back.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Rojak Rojak Rojak
 Hello wello. I guess this is how I'd look with a bindi on my forehead. It would be nice wouldn't it? I can imagine myself as a chindian. Haha, I think some chindians are very pretty. Fair skin with nice sharp features, you look pan-asian sometimes. I wish I had green eyes or at least blue eyes with naturally pretty skin and brown hair. Then all the more I'd look pan-asian. Ahhhhhhhhh. Actually, I like myself as I am.. A chinlay! ^^ Oh wait, if I put that bindi on my head and if I were to have indian blood, then I would be........ chindianlay.  That's Becky! She's the one who brought the bindi and put it on my head. Cute right? Bimbo ttm. \m/ I seriously look chindian.  Okay la. I don't even have a hint of malay. You know, when I put on this bindi. I found out what it was like to want to be mixed-blood. It's like I'm being someone else for the very first time. It's not uncommon to see many many teens who have weird weird races. Zee is chinese. Fyna is indian. And most of us don't believe it. My IC still says chinese. I did an interview for comma newspaper recently about being mixed blood. I remember telling them how it's my ice-breaker question and indeed, it's allowed me to make friends. Wherever I go, I can fit in with the malays and the chinese despite the fact that my languages aren't too strong. (I speak English most of the time if you should know.) People usually ask, "What does it feel like being mixed blood?" My answer is.... Just like you being you. The sense of confusion is really strong sometimes though. I never know what to say. Although, I never know which culture to follow. Sometimes I'm malay but sometimes I'm chinese. I'd love to follow my parents but I guess... I'm me. I do a blend of both. But really, it's nice... To be a rojak sometimes. (: Truthfully, I wish I were partially japanese. Actually, I'm not very sure about my lineage. My ancestors could have been from some other asian country but migrated or got lost in china and fell in love with some chinese beauty.... Eh, my Chinese side got boobs one leh. Figure all have okay. Don't play play uh. But really, I wish some day I could trace my heritage.... Sunday, June 13, 2010
I will let it save you when nothing else will.
I come down to this page every single time and suddenly, I don't always know what to write and whether it would be appropriate. Sometimes, I'm scared that I will start writing things that the world shouldn't know about but if I do, then what would my diary be for?However, my diary is private so none of you should ever read it. (: Two weeks of break. I hope that I've had sufficient rest because if anything, the first six weeks of school have taught me that year two is stressful and extra hard. No more smoking through. Right. I have stayed sober for most of these fourteen days. Except for day one of drama camp but that is another story for another day. It's also a story which I shouldn't be talking about because some people actually read this blog and I don't know who they are. Sadly. It was a busy fourteen days plus boredom. I'm no longer working which is probably good news to the many who are looking for me. Bad news though, please treat me. (: Reason for not working is actually good. It's not worth staying in a company which treats you like shit. Even banglas get paid better and even they get better treatment. I don't like being taken for granted. And I'm no pushover. You only started paying CPF to evade MOM but you don't realise that you're paying us late and everything. Cutting costs my foot. I hope MOM reads this so they fine you or something. And thankfully, I don't need to go through this anymore because your paycheck for MAY bounced. Yes, B-O-U-N-C-E-D. Obviously, something must be wrong with your check or the bank but I refuse to believe it's the bank because 2 checks were bounced. Ahhh. Well.... Tis the season for World Cup. No interest. ): I lost my interest in soccer already. It's not like how it used to be you know... The matches. ): Not, the location... It's just the players and everything else.... Sigh. It's also the season for GSS but seriously... Everything in stores... SUCK. I don't like these season's trends and stuff in stores. I've had enough of floral prints. Summer isn't my thing you know. I only like the maxi dresses and the denim. There's enough sandals in stores that when I'm looking for a pair of pumps, I feel like choking myself and running into the ocean. And like everybody knows, I'm no longer the beach bum I used to be. I'm a night owl turning into a wolf on the prowl.... My metaphors suck. That I know. I don't like summer. I like autumn. I like winter. Autumn pleaseeeeee. :<  Just see how tanned I am now. I need to turn paler. Paler. Paler. Grrrrrrrr. No more sun for me. Time for brollies and walking under the shade. Even if it means walking a longer distance. I'll grow so pale, that when I remove my make-up you think I'm a zombie. (: And since my twitter is privatised. Did you know, that I fell sick because I inhaled too much insecticide? While trying to kill that damn bug, I choked on insecticide and nearly died. Then, for the next few days... I endured camp in school in the cold "winter". And when I got home, I had a terrible sore throat and spent my entire Saturday eating so much panadol that I might just be immune to it now. I slept my entire Saturday away if you wanna know. I might just appear on the papers soon. "Girl dies choking herself on insect repellant. Suicide note found." Right. Although good imagination right? And I thought my life wasn't interesting....  And they say...  A lot has happened. My 2 weeks of holidays are almost over and I revamped the blog. Yes. Sexcited. (: I'm no longer at Taka anymore due to reasons which I don't intend to talk about on the internet. However, I can say that I am rather pleased with it. Satisfied actually. The past few months have been nothing but pure heart ache. I'll be updating soon. Promise. Maybe. |
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 ______ 07 August 1991 RP DCID CCC drama single & unavailable ♥ music, fashion, writing, books, dr.martens, hello kitty, katy perry, anime, blueberries, parties, shoes, roses, movies, eyes set to kill, nail polish, bangles, leather, autumn, blythedolls, devil wears prada, pink, studs, chiaki kuriyama, alesana, bangs, cotton candy, diaries, B&J ice-cream Facebook Twitter Tumblr Livejournal Formspring
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